


Poeming

by Dream_Weaver3721



Category: Original Work
Genre: Abuse, Anxiety, Blood, Cute, Depression, Falling In Love, Family Issues, Family Problems, I don't think it is but some people can, I will add tags as I go, Kisses, Love, Love Poem, Panic Attacks, Pining, Relationship Problems, Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Swearing, Travel, Trust, idk - Freeform, self neglect
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-25
Updated: 2017-07-09
Packaged: 2018-08-17 04:21:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 4,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8130239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dream_Weaver3721/pseuds/Dream_Weaver3721
Summary: Don't worry, I'm fine, just a little messed up. Basically I like to write poems as an alternative to certain things and I want to post them somewhere other than Facebook. Not all of these poems are sad and depressing but a lot of them will be. Read at your own risk.





	1. Fucked Up| June 30th

**Author's Note:**

> This one isn't really a poem but oh well.  
> Love, falling in love with multiple people, talking to people, heartbreak, swearing.

There's a lot of people who have fucked up something in my life. There's also a lot of firsts in this world. There's five firsts in particular that have fucked up my life for me. Not in a bad way, in a good way.

To my first love- I don't think I'll ever stop loving you. You have ruined me in so many innocent ways, showing me who I was and how to love. Thank you and I love you.

To my first lust- I don't even know what to say. You've been a good friend to me, and a beacon. You've shown me what it means to want something that I can't have. I love you.

To my first boyfriend (who will probably never read this)- i still love you very dearly, even though we have broken up. I pretend that it doesn't hurt like hell even though it does. Thank you for showing me that love hurts sometimes, and that honesty and compassion can go hand in hand. I love you, my friend

To my first Kiss- I will never forget you, I don't want to. It may have been a mistake, but I refuse to regret it. You are always on my mind, and I am so happy to have met you. We haven't talked much since that night, but I've slowly fallen in love with you since then. You've shown me that impulse can be okay. Thank you and I love you. 

To my first connection- You have taught me that it is okay to be myself, and that there will always be love and understanding in the world even if it feels like there isn't. I've sort of been lying to you, though. Funny, I preach honesty when I lie. I've developed an attraction to you. I love you so much.

I love all of you so so much. All I want is for you five to lead long, happy lives, even if your happy is without me.


	2. Knowledge July 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Self neglect, self harm, suicidal thoughts, depression, anxiety.

I know.  
I know that I don't take care of myself  
I don't eat much because I don't feel like cooking  
I don't sleep much because I don't feel tired  
I don't drink as much water or soda as I used to  
But somehow I'm still here  
I forget that people need to interact  
I'd rather not go outside  
I avoid exercise at all costs

I know that I'm not helping myself  
Yet I continue to live like this  
I've done this my entire life  
And I am currently breathing  
It shocks me sometimes  
People pass it off as lazy  
But truthfully I'm not.  
Depression tells me I'm not worth the effort   
Taking care of myself is too much work  
Seeing as I'll just die anyways  
Anxiety tells me that no one would care  
That everyone hates me  
And they're trying to drive me away

I've tried to kill myself  
I've thought I'd be better off dead  
The world has gone to hell  
Ive hurt myself  
I've hurt my loved ones too  
But those who have rung true  
Have stopped me in my tracks every time  
At the expense of their own health  
Death wouldn't be so bad  
Were it not for the people who have helped me  
And the plan that I have for the world

I eat when I can't stand the pain  
Or when I'm told to  
I sleep when I pass out  
Or I know I need to  
I drink when I notice my thirst  
Or when I am offered a glass  
I try to talk to people when I can  
But I either get ignored or feel like I'm annoying  
I go outside when I am asked to  
Or when I can slip out unnoticed  
I don't like to work out  
But walks will do when I can

I know I don't take care of myself  
But I remember to on occasion  
My illnesses might get in the way at first  
But sometimes they don't get their way  
You wouldn't know this unless you knew me well  
And now that you've read this through  
You'll know that I'm lying when I say  
I'm fine


	3. A Plea August 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Relationship problems, panic attacks, me being salty,

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Relationship problems, panic attacks, me being salty

What are you talking about?  
I didn't hear anything.  
I was just upstairs reading.  
I didn't know you guys had problems.  
You two are so happy together.

Lies.  
It's all lies.  
I heard it all.  
Every word.  
I want it to stop.

You two fighting and yelling  
Over the phone through thin walls  
I'm tired of it, getting panic attacks.  
All because you're an idiot, too.  
I hear when you fight every day.

This is why I can't sleep at night.  
Because I have to deal with anxiety  
Attacks that you caused by arguing.  
You don't realize it because I don't say anything.  
But how am I supposed to talk during an attack?

I feel like I want to die  
Just in general, you know,  
But especially when you raise your voice.  
And if I told you, you wouldn't listen  
Because you're a glutton for punishment.

You love the feeling of being broken,  
Being bullied, and beaten, and helpless.  
You don't realize that no one cares,  
Or if they do it's because they want and end.  
So just break up with him.

If not for your sake,  
And if not for everyone's,  
Then for me,  
Signed,  
The child


	4. Damned August 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idk if you would call it child abuse?, family problems,

I tell you about something that's going on  
You get mad at me  
I don't tell you about something that's going on  
You get mad at me  
Damned if I do  
Damned if I don't  
You getting mad at me for this  
Won't make me want to open up more  
If anything it makes me  
Want to keep you out even more  
You wonder why I go to my friends   
Rather than you when I need to vent  
Every single fucking time  
"You aren't this" "you can't be that"  
"You're doing this to get attention"  
"Why don't you talk to me?"  
I want to die  
I go and try to have a   
peaceful conversation  
About a friend I hold dear  
And  
And you fucking ruin it  
"Im a horrible person,  
I can't do anything right"  
I'm tired of this shit  
You are horrible, we've discussed this  
No one cares about you  
Or how you feel   
Because that's all you do  
Is complain and try  
Try to make others sorry for you  
Go die in a fire  
Because that's what you make everyone else want to do.


	5. Wonder September 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey look a love poem, kisses, falling in love

I wonder if you do it too  
Randomly think about that night  
With a soft smile and blush  
Hold your fingers to your lips  
And remember the kiss

Because I do  
Quite often actually.  
I remember the sleepiness  
And the awkward conversation   
The night I fell for a stranger  
Whom it felt like I had known for years.


	6. Trusting September 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heartbreak, relationships, panic attack, trust, swearing

"You're fine  
You're okay  
It doesn't hurt  
You're over it  
You aren't crying."

It's all just lies that I'll tell myself  
Over and over and over again  
I'll go weeks without thinking of it  
Weeks of not remembering us  
And then I'll stumble across it

That one word that means everything  
To me, at least, more important than love.  
The one word that I gave to you.  
I'll come across it in a book or a movie  
And I feel the thoughts flooding in

"You trusted him  
He broke your heart  
You trusted him not to  
But he did anyways  
He broke the trust."

I didn't find out until after the fact  
You didn't tell me like I trusted you to  
I love you with my whole heart and...  
And then you confirmed my greatest fear.  
You hated me and damn it all

You didn't tell me until months after  
You let me get over the whole thing  
Only to rip my heart out for the second time  
I had a mental break down for fucks sake  
But I guess I deserve it for never making time

I am a shitty lover  
I was too busy for you  
I couldn't find the time  
Not even after homework  
Not even after my great grandfather

I'm sorry  
I'm so fucking sorry  
I fucked up  
I wasn't there for you  
I made you hate me

But it's okay  
I'm fine  
It doesn't hurt  
I'm over it  
I'm not crying


	7. Knife September 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suicidal thoughts, self harm, self loathing, blood, talking to myself

My hands itch for the dull knife  
Almost two hundred days clean  
I can't lose my streak but the feel   
of a blade scratching my skin off  
Sounds so good right now  
I want to feel the pain of it all  
It's better than being hollow and cold

The scar on my wrist has faded   
Considerably so in fact,  
But wrists can be seen easier  
So switched to the thighs, I did  
So no one can see the scars  
I was careful last time,  
Didn't leave any lasting marks  
Only red patches that faded after   
An hour or so while I slept

The cool of the handle and the   
Edge of the butter knife currently  
Hidden under countless cushions  
On my bay window seat along side  
Razor blades that I've never used  
Would feel great in my hand  
Over the pale flesh of my thigh  
My fingers white knuckled around  
The utensil I stole from my family  
But instead I'm writing a poem

A stupid one, at that, giving   
People who read this a feeling of  
Pity, sadness, anger, annoyance  
Because you wanted someone  
Anyone to read your work  
You're doing this for attention  
Asshole. 

But then again, I only put work out  
Because I don't care if someone reads  
I've said it myself that I sometimes  
Send messages to friends who can't  
Receive texts so that I can send them  
Without worrying about them reading it  
But there's always a chance that they will  
And that's okay for me

I'm not the kind of person who wants   
Pity or otherwise; I'd rather be forgotten  
Writing helps me stay clean  
Keeps the knife and razor blades under  
Cushions and stuffed animals 

Two sides of the same coin  
One thinks the other is a coward  
An attention hog, low and manipulative   
The other is just trying to survive  
Scared by the first half but pushes on  
Tug of war with a life on the line  
My own right hand and left wrist  
Dominate and submit  
Kill myself or ignore the voices

The knife still sits  
The poem helps  
I can feel again  
If only barely  
Red has not   
Been spilled yet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And it won't. I've been clean for 182 days (lmao blink-182) and I'm not about to ruin the streak even though I want to. I'll be fine. Thanks for reading, I don't envy you.


	8. Fickle Thing October 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tw: physical and mental abuse, heartbreak, anxiety, panic attacks

I lay on my bed texting you like always  
After something happens to you  
This time your sibling broke your toe  
We send each other gifs through messenger

And one in particular strikes a chord with me  
It reads "Love You,"  
Love is a fickle thing, something I'm scared of  
Especially after we broke up, after I hurt you

You knew my issues and fears  
How I'm terrified of my loved one  
Secretly hating me, refusing to tell me about it  
Yet you did just that to me, causing anxiety

For a brief moment I feel guilty,   
Like I've moved on and no longer love you  
But I am certain that's not the case at all  
I still love you without a doubt, but I don't think

I still trust you. You know that's the most   
Important thing to me, not easily gained  
Yet you broke my trust. Shattered into bits  
Nothing can be the same between us

I briefly think of sending you a gif reading   
"I trusted you," but that's a low blow,   
One I'm not so heartless to follow through with  
Because I love you, large portions of my heart

But if you ever want me as your boyfriend again  
You'll have to work hard to regain my trust  
Then try to woo me back into a relationship  
You can't break my heart like you did

You can't break me like that again  
You have to be completely honest about it all  
Given, I know my mistakes, I'm a workaholic   
I don't make time outside of work for you

I'm always busy with paper, fabric, or my Papa  
I need to spend as much time as I can with him  
He's eighty four years old, the only family  
I can tolerate, the only family I care about

And I can't afford to fall behind  
If I fall behind, I could lose everything  
All of my hard work, all of my hopes, dreams  
They'd all be down the drain, nothing left

Just a glimpse of what I wanted,   
Something I can't fulfill  
You're a very affectionate person  
Who just happened to fall in love with me

Someone who can't give you what you need  
I'm too busy, the people who gave me life  
Used their affection as a front for abuse  
So now when people touch me, I panic

I'm sorry that I can't do it  
I can't cuddle or hug without a panic attack  
Because all I've ever known was  
Hugs and hair ruffles in public

And barely pulled punches when alone  
Or firecrackers lit off by my head  
Cuddles and kisses during the day  
And tormenting words before bed

Promises of love around other people  
But mental and near physical abuse otherwise  
I'm so afraid of love now, scared of what comes  
Abuse and lies, pain and memories,

Throwing myself into work to forget it all  
No part of me can deal with any of this  
So I'll just pass of my fearful silence  
As zoning out and replying with a passive gif


	9. I Don't Know | March 9th

At 11 last night, we were together.  
We were going to figure this out.  
Things would end up just fine.  
You went to bed and I stayed up working.

At 8 this morning, we were broken up.  
I was in class, unknowing. Phone unchecked.  
You were also in class, having a panic attack  
I hadn't answered yet

At 11 this morning, my world shattered.  
I felt my heart drop, tears headed opposite  
I went straight to the lavatories unsure if I  
needed to vomit, cry, or calm down.

At 11:15, I replied to your choice with truth.  
I respect your decision and will not hate you.  
I really just want you happy is all, though  
I ignore what my heart tells me.

11:30, I am the one having a panic attack.  
My breathing comes short and shallow  
Tears threaten to fall down my cheeks  
I break out my anxiety kit, grounding myself.

Around 11:40, I blast music to drown it all out  
I pull out my sketchbook and draw how I feel  
I ignore almost everyone, save the counselor  
She noticed what was going on, offered help

I declined.  
She left.  
Lost cause.  
Heart broken.

At 4:15 this afternoon, he is in a relationship  
But not with you. You're heartbroken too.  
I told you earlier that I would still be here  
Open arms on the off chance that I was the one

4:35, I don't know. I don't know if i can do that.  
Spent five hours holding back tears over you  
I don't know if I can open my arms wide enough  
I don't know what his relationship means for us.

4:38. Nothing makes sense. Everything is a blur  
I can't decipher what is happening anymore  
Are we still split? Or am I to just disregard this?  
All of the anguish that I've felt today? The pain?

4:40 Are we together again? I can't tell.  
I respect your decision either way but  
Just know that we may not get together again  
This is something that I might not return from

I just don't know


	10. Kiss | June 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a cute one that I wrote while really wanting someone to kiss me  
> Mentions of kissing and panic attacks

To feel a pair of lips moving against my own  
Arms winding around my waist  
Pulling me towards them in need to be close  
Not necessarily in a sexual way  
But one that would leave me reeling the same

Rough, chapped lips scratching mine  
A quick, romantic brush telling me I'm loved  
A whispered "Goodbye" into an open sigh  
Hand in my hair, absently stroking soft locks  
Hesitation when pulling away, unwilling to go

Soft, and gentle lips caressing my worried ones  
A voice: calming, quiet, careful. "I've got you."  
Thumb wiping away tears, palm around nape  
Guiding to their shoulder while holding me  
Protection and safety amongst panic attacks

Tongue on tongue, hurried and passionate  
More of a statement, a declaration of love  
A kiss that says "you're mine." A willing return.  
Roaming hands caress every part they can find  
A gasp of air before laughter, adoring and tired

Rapid, concise, but loving all the same  
An eternity in one single second,  
A peck before finishing the task at hand  
Always followed by a gaze that ends too soon  
Leaving me wishing for another

In the morning, sleepy, lazy, unhurried  
Nowhere to go, no one to meet. Just us  
Two pairs of lips slotted together  
An unsaid "good morning" in the air  
There is no need for words at the moment

A kiss of defiance. A threat best left silent  
Yet just as deadly and menacing  
A warning for those who try to keep us apart  
Public and bursting with affection  
We are proud to be together forever

Trembling lips, damp cheeks, melancholy  
An event leaving us both in shock and grief  
Though one of us has to comfort the other  
Just until we can return the favor. So I take over  
Be strong for them until they can reciprocate

Something sweet and innocent, two people  
Desperately in love sharing a moment  
Nothing else but the warmth of another person  
Close proximity, being intimate with each other  
Oh if only you would kiss me...


	11. Where? | June 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Family issues, the need to travel,

"Where you belong"  
You say, telling me that I belong in your house  
But where I belong isn't clear.  
I know that my fate is not to live with you  
If I was meant to be under your care  
Then I would go willingly.   
I wouldn't fight like I am planning on doing.  
I don't think I am meant to stay in town either.   
Sure, I love it in our suburban city.  
I love the businesses and the trees  
The weather and the memories I have here.  
But legs grow restless  
Especially when they stay in place for too long  
I long to travel, feet itching for new soil  
Ears yearning to hear new sounds.  
I don't think I am meant to stay in the region  
The colleges here are nothing special  
I want the best education I can get.  
Besides, I've already explored all I can  
It's all the same scenery day after day  
Just different people and different streets.  
Certainly I am not expected to stay in America?  
Not when I am under the influence of politics   
I care not for our largely two party system   
I could not hold a conversation with republicans  
The word leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.  
No, America is not meant for me.  
I wish to see the world  
Experience new flavors, see the wonders  
Run with a bag on my back   
And unpaved road under the soles of my shoes  
I wish to find love and friendship continentally  
My legs are burning to walk through Japan   
Tongue needing to speak other languages  
Mind aching to learn something new  
Until it becomes my natural habit  
My toes want to feel Irish grass between them  
Fingers itching with need  
The need to feel Venice water straining through  
Palms desperately wish to knead dough  
That I learned how to make in Germany  
I need to know how to play a traditional song  
Native to Argentina while a pretty girl dances  
The opera house in Sydney calls to me  
Like the angel of music has something to share  
My eyes desire to see zebras roaming free  
I need to paint eggshells in Ukraine   
Our family in Israel need to meet me  
There are temples to be seen  
Towers and catacombs and cathedrals  
Castles, houses, old villages, new cities  
Accents that I don't even know of yet  
Dialects for Christ's sake   
An entire world that I need to trek  
But most importantly to me  
I wish to help the poorer of the population  
I need to use my experiences to feed them  
To make them smile for a day at least  
A burning need to educate the ignorant  
So that misunderstandings and bigotry  
Can finally be eradicated forever  
I need to give speeches and lectures   
To travel and learn from diverse people  
To learn from my students and their community  
I need to become the wise old man  
Whom everybody knows from stories  
I need to travel the world over and over again  
So I can visit old friends as they grow.  
Meet their children and their grandchildren  
And know them all by name  
Write letters or schedule phone calls  
Learning and teaching and being free   
But to you I belong trapped  
Under your thumb in a place I hate.


	12. Awkward Pining | June 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Awkwardness, anxiety, Pining, falling into some emotion.

A face haunting my every waking moment  
The same that plagues my dreams  
A laugh which rings through the air so clearly  
Even when miles apart  
A personality that outshines the others tenfold  
Nerdy and funny and intelligent   
Though sometimes idiotic   
Always kind and fantastic  
A voice internally that I cannot tune out saying  
"This one is different.   
This one will not harm you intentionally"  
Warmth at my back, arms around my waist  
A breath at my neck as a horror movie plays  
I thought it would be funny   
Though I suppose that I did not consider  
That 1408 was a thriller as well  
Curling to shield my eyes in a shoulder  
A smell which I cannot place not describe  
Is it sweet? Perhaps spiced? More savory?  
I wonder if this will come off as creepy  
I wonder if I will even care  
And if I were good with the order of which  
I put all of the words I know  
I still would not say anything outright  
I would leave it on the end of messages   
In hopes that they would understand  
I would not say anything because   
It would be weird and awkward  
I would hold my tongue and hope to hell  
That I would get over it soon  
I would write an entire poem in a complicated  
Expression of my thoughts  
Writing was always my strength  
Talking? Never  
No I could not fathom the thought  
Of saying anything to them  
Not in between witty banter  
And the language of nerd  
Certainly not with twenty people in the vicinity   
And never by text  
No nothing would be said outright  
Poetry would have to do  
One written already and another in the works  
And thought I loathe poems I must admit  
It is a lovely means of getting out thoughts  
That would otherwise change everything  
Especially the foolish fantasies   
Another text denoted by a droid   
"Roger Roger"  
Upon reading I feel a warmth in my chest  
Bounding to my cheeks are my eyes  
Are covered by my hand   
As if that would help my situation  
No straightforwardness is meant for a late hour  
On another night


	13. Dirty Four Letter Word | June 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Love, falling in love, everything is confusing

Why is this so difficult?  
Complicated and confusing and...  
And frustrating  
It's never been this quick  
Never so strong

I know what it is  
I say it all the time   
But when it comes to this... why?  
Why can't I say it,  
Think it even?

I'm terrified  
Not just of the speed  
But also of hurting you should this continue  
And aside from all of that I hardly know you  
You know so much about me  
But you've barely shared

Yes, I love you  
But I need to learn you before this can go on  
I didn't expect the date  
Just as you didn't so I won't decline  
But after this we need to spend time talking  
Both parties need to communicate  
Not just a one sided conversation

I'm sorry


	14. Trust | July 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My s/o is an amazing human being and I love them so much. 
> 
> Trust, happy tears

Years of wanting to hear those words  
From anyone, just one person  
And you've granted my wish  
A simple phrase shouldn't mean this much  
But I cannot deny, I cried when I read it.  
"I trust you"


End file.
